[2/8] Part of a larger story that starts here.

During the start, I spent more time around Spike and Brenda than I did with Adam, leading me to become friends with Spike and gradually develop romantic feelings for Brenda. Eventually, she figured this out and invited me on a picnic to discuss my feelings toward her. During the picnic, she told me that she felt it would be wrong for her to get involved with me, a 22 year old, because she is about twice my age. I heard what she had to say and accepted her rejection, though I didn’t agree that my age should be a factor in a relationship with her. 

I traveled abroad in May, 2018, and stayed long-distance friends with both Spike and Brenda. While overseas, I broke off a two year relationship with a woman I thought I would marry, because it had become emotionally abusive. Brenda messaged me not long after my break up, while her partner Adam was out of town, sending me erotica she liked. This led to us sexting, and her initial statements of “I don’t want to make trouble between us”, “we were almost sort of settling in to being just friends”, and “I am a mean person for bringing sex into it.” She said that she would ask her partner how he felt for her to continue a more sexual text-based relationship with me (after the fact). She did voice some misgivings after the sexting, when I asked her how long she’s been hiding that she wanted me, and she replied by stating that “I thought you were cute, but mainly I try not to think things like that about up & coming (lol) hackers it’s not right to be leading a group that’s supposed to be a safe place to learn & then lusting after the students.” and that “I think it’s a fear that somehow, even though you are obviously pursuing me, I am taking advantage of you. Especially since I have a large number of ideas for how to take advantage of you.”

At this point, I was happy, because I thought my feelings were returned in kind. It didn’t bother me at the time that she seemed to only contact me for sexual gratification.

While Adam seemed to be bothered a bit at this idea at first, according to Brenda, he began to text me while I was still overseas. When I returned home in July, Brenda was still debating if being in any sort of relationship with me was morally acceptable, and seeming to doubt her own actions up to this point. Adam had come to accept the idea of a relationship between me and Brenda, and began advocating for me by asking her why my age mattered, mirroring my own thoughts. This was unusual as Brenda had previously stated that Adam had not been comfortable with her having other partners when the topic came up. I suspected the difference was that I am a young female and when I asked about it, Adam said that he was “curious, cautious, nervous, and a bunch of other things” about me developing a relationship with Brenda but that he was surprised that he was comfortable with the idea. He said that usually “in monogamy land” he would feel a “duty to leave someone who is cheating on him” but that it was different somehow with me being involved with Brenda. I thought that it was maybe because of the fact that I was a young female and interested in a lesbian relationship with his partner, as many men have a tendency to fantasize or be curious over such things. I also considered the fact that he may just be interested in making his partner happy, whatever her wants should be. I found it unusual but shrugged it off and focused on being able to be with Brenda. After all, not everyone is the same, right?

Once back home, I spent more time with Adam, as I wanted at least one safe male friend in my life and Brenda trusted him, leading me to deem him safe. Part of the reason I spent more time with Adam was that Brenda seemed to always be busy when I suggested we spend time together and I didn’t want to pressure her; I was waiting for her to ask me to spend time with her. So instead, I used that time to hang out with Adam and get to know him better and by doing so, I hoped to also understand more about Brenda through her choice in partner, and her choice in friends. During that time I also spent time with Spike, and Brenda’s new roommate, Rose. Brenda later used my time with Rose, Adam, and Spike against me saying that I didn’t seem to want to spend time with her. This was confusing to me, as it seemed as if she did not wish to spend time with me since she didn’t take the initiative and she chose to hear about my busy schedule from mutual friends rather than asking me if I wanted to spend time together. There is no way I could have known her thought process, if she got her source of information from others, and never sought to ask me herself. It didn’t make sense how she could claim I wasn’t interested in spending time with her despite asking her to spend time repeatedly, (which was not at all, save for possibly one instance). The time we did spend together was on mundane tasks like weeding their overgrown backyard. I enjoyed this time with her and learning about the different plants, but we didn’t talk much so I didn’t really have a chance to get to know her. We cooked together, or worked on putting together a dollhouse set a few other times, but always without much conversation. Where there was conversation it was mostly me talking about myself, as she didn’t seem to enjoy personal questions. In the back of my mind I honestly questioned if she was actually interested in getting to know me, and sharing more about herself with me, or if she was merely having me over and keeping me around for her sheer amusement, possibly out of boredom. 

Because Brenda trusted Adam so much, I ignored the warning signs early on. The warnings were simple things at first; hanging out with him and listening to him bring up the idea of a threesome without even consulting his partner first. Looking over my shoulder while I was browsing my photos and “accidentally” catching a glimpse of one of the nudes I had sent Brenda. Later when he asked me for a copy, I said I would think about it. He pressured me again for the picture the next day and said he could help me figure out what Brenda likes, so I agreed to send it to him in my goal to be with Brenda. He seemed to be interested in helping me with this goal and at that point didn’t seem to have any interest in me himself, except for that picture request maybe. So, I sent him other nudes which he told me he could critique and tell me if Brenda would appreciate them; I didn’t think much of this because to me this is art and not an indication of sexual interest per say. I stopped sending him pictures when I noticed that he either didn’t say much about them or gave input that made me feel bad about the pictures and my body, such as critiquing posture but not suggesting anything constructive. He seemed to be interested in helping Brenda be with someone sexually as he stated that they had not had sex since they started dating several years ago. To me, he seemed to gain enjoyment from what I thought was him helping me. Hindsight is 20/20. It was suspicious but I assumed that maybe he found my interest in his partner amusing and was amusing himself in the process.

Read More: https://skwid.ink/red-flags-offhand-comments-and-warning-signs/