[3/8] Part of a larger story that starts here.

I looked over other offhand comments, tolerating his semi-racist musings like the fact that he didn’t consider India to be a part of Asia, and that when he thought of Asia he thought of places like Japan and Korea, because these places and people “seem more Asian.” These comments made me rethink the friendship, but as I talked to Brenda about him, I thought that perhaps Adam wasn’t good at communicating. Now, I think that Adam chose to pick up on cues that were beneficial to him and ignore others. In the same light, he seemed to keep a closed mind about things that didn’t fit his ideal definition of something, like in this case, Asia. Just as he seemed to ignore the fact that I am a lesbian, because it didn’t suit his definition of what I should be, or what he wanted me to be. The fact of the matter is, lesbians are by definition lesbians regardless of if you think you can convert them, and Asians, regardless of which part of Asia they come from, are Asian. I talked to Brenda about this racist remark, but she seemed to find it amusing stating “he’s going to get himself in trouble!” He would ask me for advice on losing weight and then try to debate over the advice I gave him despite my education in Health Science and Biology, not fully understanding the studies I sent him or my explanations. He seemed to have a need to be right, even if he was not familiar with the topic. A need to be seen as intellectually superior, while I think he was aware that I did not consider him to be my superior, and that seemed to make him insecure. I felt put-off by this behavior but I also felt that not everyone can be educated on every topic, so I shouldn’t fault him for not being aware that he is not always right, or that he is missing some information that I acquired during four years of study. I decided to look past these transgressions, and give him the benefit of the doubt. 

During DEF CON 26, I spent more time with Adam. He finally seemed distraught at the thought of Brenda having other partners, so I consoled him, holding him and listening to his worries as his somewhat reluctant friend. During the convention, Adam stole a sign from the conference even though one of the people he knew had already agreed that after the conference ended, they would ask for the sign for him, and the conference was nearing the end. He brought it to the room I was staying in with a friend, and called me. Thinking something was wrong, I rushed up to my room to find him on the phone with Brenda, and sitting with the sign beside him. He had apparently been chased by the security team of conference. He decided to stash the sign in the room I was staying in, even though there were security cameras everywhere and this placed me and my friend at risk. Later, it was returned to where it was supposed to be, but not by Adam and I was told not to worry about it. This showed a lack of respect for me, DC217, and my friends who are fairly active at DEF CON and have been for many years. He not only took something that didn’t belong to him, but knowingly brought it to the hotel room I was staying in, after being seen and chased by security. This room was provided by my friend’s parents, and I shared it with my friend. It could have gotten everyone involved in significant trouble if security had followed him there. But the only thing Adam thought about was what he wanted. The sign was returned to where it should have been, and he seemed disappointed when I wasn’t able to bring the sign back for him, rather than be apologetic for his actions. This is yet another incident that convinced me that Adam is rather self-absorbed. I felt annoyed that he would act in this way at his age, and put my friends and myself at risk for something that he wanted but wasn’t willing to wait a day for. 

         When we returned from Las Vegas, I spent a little bit of time with Adam talking and hanging out in general, I was concerned for him over his behavior during the conference. Out of the blue, Adam told me that he might have feelings for me. I wanted to hear him out and I also wanted to see if I was even capable of developing feelings for a man. I am a lesbian and this had never occurred to me before, and Adam knew I was gay, but I still considered the idea. I mentioned a date to see how I felt about things and to hear what he had to say. This was perhaps my biggest mistake, looking back.

A few days before the date, Adam came over to my house and seemed a bit depressed and off-kilter. He wanted to cuddle and I agreed. But, during this session he started to get “handsy” sliding his hand along my thigh, caressing my arm, draping his arm over my chest before I moved it. I mentioned I was uncomfortable with his behavior so he stopped and turned his back, asking me what I wanted from him. I then decided that I only wanted to be friends and I told him that. We still agreed to the “date”, which at this point was a “friends” kind of date to me, as I was now fully aware that I did not have feelings for Adam. After my repeated rejections, I assumed he would treat it the same way, especially since he stated that he also did not view the “date” as anything more, and that it would just be us as friends hanging out.

For our “date”, he initially suggested that we go camping, but I was not comfortable staying overnight with Adam in the woods in a scenario where we would share a tent. I suggested that we go hiking instead, and he agreed to this.

The day of our “date” he picked me up on his motorcycle and drove me out of town to a trail about 40 mins away that he picked, traveling via a highway as well as back roads. There were several trails closer to town but I didn’t think too much of this or why we would choose one so far out of the area. I would like to note that I do not drive, and had no other way of getting home on my own, which Adam knew. On the trails he kept wanting to stop and talk. So we did, and he made his request; he wanted to have sex with me. I plainly said no and that it wasn’t something I was interested in or that I would be comfortable with. He instead offered to masturbate me claiming that I would not have to touch him, as if that somehow made it acceptable to a lesbian who had already said no to sex with a man. I once again said no. After I refused sex with him twice at that point and told him he was pressuring me, he said he realized what he was doing and started to cry. I wiped the tears off of his face and actually comforted him while he mulled over what he was doing and said that he felt it was wrong to be pressuring me.

 He also discussed the idea of leaving Brenda, which was a shock. At this point, I felt pressured but yet I pitied him. In my mind here was a man who, at 37, still acted in the way I would consider a man in his early twenties or late teens to act. Someone who seemed to feel unloved and was desperate for some form of affection, who was clumsy and perhaps honestly sorry for his asinine behavior. I thought, after all, maybe he honestly did have feelings for me? Unfortunately for me, his targeted harassment and need for sexual fulfillment from an unwilling participant did not seem to end there. 

Next, he asked to take nudes of me, presumably trying to figure out if there was any acceptable line that may lead to sex. I said no, yet again, and he proceeded to ask me at least two more times, stating there was nobody around. Eventually, I caved under the pressure and allowed him to take partial nudes of me. While we had discussed the idea of allowing him to take nudes of me before, despite rejecting the idea repeatedly during the hike, this led to feelings of guilt. I also figured that if I let him take a few, it would finally make him stop pressuring me for the chance to take such pictures of me. While I agreed due to the pressure, and since we had talked about maybe letting him take pictures before, I felt that it was my fault despite telling him no now. I figured the sooner I let him take the pictures the sooner he would stop asking (which was highly uncomfortable for me as I already declined). I had cell service, but there was nobody I could have called, and worse, I kind of pitied him as I had already rejected his advances several times. At this point I was uncomfortable and wary, I was afraid, yet for some reason I still wanted to believe that he was fundamentally a good guy and not some sort of predator. 

After the hike, we went back to their place and I immediately felt safer there as Brenda and their roommate were in the house. At this point I didn’t want to upset him by demanding I be taken home because at the time we were out of town and I was scared. Outside of this small circle I had no friends to speak of that could help me if the situation turned bad.

At his house we ended up alone again, and the topic turned to my body and he asked me if there were any more parts of my body I was insecure about. I said yes and told him my chest. He actually agreed with me and told me that that part of my body is not perfect but that I could do things to improve it and he suggested that I stop wearing a bra (because that would help somehow)? We watched anime for a bit and I let him hold me, because at this point I was disturbed by everything that happened but the only person I had to offer me comfort, was him. My brain was churning and I was trying to work through everything that had happened. The only person I could turn to was the person who had victimized me. It is hard to describe how I felt in this situation other than utterly dehumanized. 

Eventually he dropped me off at my home since Brenda stopped driving even before I knew her, where he made the offer of sex yet again and I declined. He then said that he would go home and masturbate to the thought of me. That made me angry. When he got home I messaged him about how I felt and he knew he had done something wrong. However, he stated his offer of sex again. I finally let my anger begin to protect me and told him exactly how I felt, as he clearly did not understand the notion that “no means no”. He said that he was “fucked up in the head” and that he was going to go away for a while.

The next day he messaged me with a half-assed apology which boiled down to self-pity and a crying emoji, saying that Brenda saw him crying, rather than a sincere apology for not respecting my wishes. I contacted Brenda a few days later and told her about the past few days. She said that Adam had already told her about it and that it sounded terrible, yet she hadn’t reached out to me after hearing about it. However, she said that she would fix him and focused mainly on “fixing Adam” and on how bad he feels, rather than the fact that I was sexually harassed by her partner and that I was put in a position with someone that doesn’t understand consent, and that it could have led to a much more serious and tragic outcome. Though she admitted that he sexually harassed me, I asked her if she knew what Adam wanted to do, or what he had planned on “talking” with me about on the hiking trails. She said that she knew but didn’t seek to correct him and tell him that I am gay. Neither of them seemed to respect my sexual orientation and decisions. Brenda went so far as to call my sexual boundaries “transphobic”, an incident that is listed in an upcoming section. For the record, Brenda is neither transgender, nor a lesbian. 

Read More: https://skwid.ink/victim-blaming-predators-and-the-women-who-defend-them/